“I try to appreciate but I deserve more.” This lyric is from the song, “Supastar” by Group Home and it has meant a lot to me as of late. It’s made me realize that I am only human. I hated who I was because I felt lost. Every time this song comes on I can’t help but to repeat, “I try to appreciate but I deserve more” because I never wanted to have a high and mighty ego about myself. Therefore, I lowered my own standards and changed my morals to accommodate others around me. My thought process was if I change my standards and morals I won’t feel so empty and I’ll finally feel accepted by everybody. However, I only became resentful and bitter. It’s not a bad thing to have standards because you have to realize that you are not like everybody else. It’s not your responsibility to live up somebody’s per-conceived notion of who you are.
Lately, I’ve taken a break from women because my toxic don’t reflect my morals and standards. I tried to appreciate that I was being “loved” by another woman because I’d tell myself, “Well Caleb, this is the best a guy like you can do.” I can remember the last time I was with a woman. After we finished, her and I were laying around watching Television and she asked me, “What are you thinking about?” All I can do is tell her, “I don’t know” It’s crazy because I thought I would feel better being with her but I felt worse. I stared at the wall with deep regret and emptiness not understanding why. But after a couple of months of taking a break from women I realized the problem has been my self-esteem. I can tell myself I deserve more but I have to actually DO MORE! And honestly, I wasn’t doing more for myself.
I spent too much time swiping right on Tinder, sliding into another woman’s DM, and lusting for a woman’s touch that I’ve come to realize I won’t be happy continuing this behavior. Now, I understand that I don’t need to chase after women, instead, I need to get myself together. The most toxic thing you can do is look for love when you can’t even love yourself. After some soul-searching, I can say I’m moving in the right direction. I’m not too worried about being on the bench and not playing in the field because I owe it to myself right now to stay focused, love myself, and continue to do the right thing. In due time, everything will work out but there is no need to rush anything. Just let things flow!