This feels weird…
With everything going on right now everything is just weird.. During this time I’ve been forced to confront some very uncomfortable truths about myself. If you follow me on social media you know by know that I’ve been promoting my book, “Suffering in Silence: August 15th, 2003” and I’m very proud of my work.
Right now, I’m 26 years old, I’ve self published three books, I have a blog, a podcast and consultation business. I’ve done a lot but I still feel at time I haven’t done enough. So to me, I’ve been feeling weird. Not mad, sad, just weird because I’m finally more productive and actually can say, “I’m on the right track!” However, something is still missing.
On Thursday, July 23rd, 2020, I couldn’t help but reminisce about my childhood. When I was younger, my own fun was my only concern. Therefore, if you weren’t having fun with me, I thought you were a hater! I spent my early 20’s “enjoying” the nightlife with various women, alcohol, and weed just thinking this is how a young man enjoys his life. Boy was I wrong.
After college, I hit a plateau. During my mid 20’s I was torn between being the “law abiding citizen” or the “party guy.” Not knowing who to be, I tried to be both. My work week (Monday through Friday) I would give it my all. However, on the weekend, I’d party like there was no tomorrow just dreading waking up the next day.
My party life didn’t have an end date until January 2019, when I became sober. Fast forward to the age of 26 years old, sometimes I still feel like I’m just “there.” Which has had me thinking, “Maybe I’ll feel better if go back to my old ways just this one and final time!”
It’s funny how the mind works. You know deep down inside this way of thinking is wrong, dangerous, and could really jeopardize your future but your mind keeps playing tricks on you. It’ll tell you, “Well it wasn’t all that bad. You know your limitations so now pace yourself, that’s all. Besides, you don’t want to be an old “boomer” like your parents, do you?” Well, ladies and gentlemen, you’re not alone if you feel this way!
When you are focusing on yourself very heavy I must admit you tend to lose focus. It happens to the best of us. Therefore, on Friday, July 24th, 2020, I found myself scrolling social media looking for some fun with a lucky lady of my choosing. This year I told myself I was going to be a good man and not go back to my womanizing ways but with every picture, I was finding this task to be impossible.
Since I wasn’t finding what I was looking for, I went into my play store app and found my familiar foes, Tinder and Bumble. I came pretty close reinstalling these apps after a very long hiatus but fortunately, I caught myself and realized, “What a minute, why am I doing this?”
When you’ve been shut off from the world for quite some time you’re forced to confront yourself. Yet again, here I was in deep contemplation asking myself, “Was I going to have temporary fun with a woman or I was I going to be more selective and focus on myself?”
The phrase, “Do the right thing” is extremely hard to live by. I mean really think about it. “Doing the right thing” means you have to do the following:
- To actually not blame anyone else for your problems
- To actually empathize with others because at one point or another you were in their position
- To not use anyone else to make yourself better
- To check yourself and stop your known destructive patterns in its tracks
- To tell the “in crowd” your not going out in risk of losing their friendship
- To cut your “friends” off not in fear of losing them but in fear of losing yourself
“Doing the right thing” doesn’t mean that your now perfect. The “old you” will always want to come out and play. Certain people that you hang out with will provoke the “old you” but it’s your responsibility to say “No!”
It’s really easy to just say, “Well hey, you only live once right. Besides, I’m still alive so that’s all that matters.” And even though you laugh it off with your friends the pain you harbor still eats you alive.
If you are like my old self you just ignore it, you’d take another drink, hang out with your crew and act as if everything is okay. All because, “You didn’t want to bum anyone out!” So now, to answer the unanswered question from the beginning. Did you slide into a woman’s dm’s, reinstall your tinder or bumble app looking for temporary pleasure?” Well, the answer is No!
Even though the temptation was strong I didn’t give into the temptation because I had to realize I couldn’t find love in another cheap thrill. Sex isn’t supposed to be this quick and easy process where you take your clothes off and have intercourse.
As I said in one of my earlier posts, “N.A.K.E.D”, “Before letting someone have access to us we need to ask ourselves, “Are we even accessible?” The truth is right now I’m not accessible. Even though I’ve rewired my mental patterns I still believe my physical patterns could use some more improvement.
Every day I remember my “why” when it comes to sobriety and my “why” is I want just to be pure and not feel uncertain all of the time. When I lived that lifestyle I realized that, “This just isn’t me”. When it comes to any temporary pleasure (sex, gambling, porn, drugs, food, and alcohol) we use these things as a tool to make ourselves feel better.
About a year ago, I started studying more about spirituality and I started to realize how much your energy speaks silent volumes. Others really can sense if you’re actually “discipline” or if you are just “full of it.”
Pay close attention to people who have glowing skin, upbeat personalities and aren’t afraid to express themselves. People gravitate towards them because they feel comfortable around them. On the other hand, others who blame others for their failures eat unhealthy and just don’t care about themselves. No one wants to be around them because they don’t even like being around themselves.
Please protect your energy and realize when you surround yourself around more energetic people, your life will change forever! The old Caleb is dead and buried 6ft. under and I intend to keep it that way. Sure, it feels weird because I’m basically swimming in the deep end without any training but as each day progresses, I’m learning how to swim properly.