If it was 2019, would you date yourself?

If it was 2019, would you date yourself?

No I would not date myself because I wasn’t in a great place. 2019 was a weird time for me and I just couldn’t connect with myself mentally. Someone said on Instagram, “Even though you quit drinking that’s just step one. The real work is sitting with your feelings and rationalizing them instead of drinking again.” I thought to myself wow, that’s really deep!

January 3rd, 2019 is when I became sober. On New Years Eve, I was having a great time. Well, at least I thought I was. As the night progressed, I met a girl at the bar who caught my attention. As the countdown hit from 3,2,1 we began to kiss. After we kissed, we made our way to the dance floor and danced for a couple of minutes. Afterward, she grabbed my face and kissed me again, then, she left!

After realizing what happened I wasn’t surprised. However, it made me want to give up drinking because I was so sick of this shallow and empty club/bar life. You aren’t meeting anyone interesting, you’re just fulfilling your temporary pleasures, and you’re not having any fun. Since you’ve been drinking you believe you’re having a blast until you wake up sober and miserable.

Earlier I mentioned sitting with your feelings and rationalizing them. This was not an easy process because I had to realize months later that not having a drink was easy. All you had to was two things:

1. Do not buy alcohol

2. Avoid the clubs/bars

Although it was becoming easier not to drink I had started realizing I didn’t love myself and I was codependent on a woman’s touch to make me feel better. Boy was that hard to admit!

From February to November I’d hookup with any woman who found me attractive because I wanted to feel better. Sex was a major stress reliever and in 2019, since I didn’t have alcohol sex was my new replacement. With every sick seduction I was able to get what I wanted. However, I still felt empty.

Around this time, women were just a game to me. I never took dating apps seriously and sliding into the DM’s was like clock work. It’s something I’m not proud of but since my lust was so out-of-control I just didn’t care about anyone else but myself.

When I scrolling on social media I read, “You can still be sober and still have other addictions.” Of course, I thought, “No, that’s not true!” but unfortunately, I and a wake up call.

My last encounter before leaving the “game” was in November. I met a woman who will remain nameless on Facebook dating and we talked for about a month. After teasing one another we decided I’d met up with her at her place and we’d relieve ourselves. All I remember is after we were done I looked at the wall with an expressionless face. I didn’t know what to say or think. It’s like I was just numb or something.

She asked me, “What are thinking about?” It’s the same question that other women have asked me before and I gave them all the same answer, “Nothing.”

After telling her nothing, I decided to just part ways with her. No explanation, just blocked her and left. I realized then I was the problem and I couldn’t keep living like this anymore.

2019 was a rough year and I was definitely not datable. I was just toxic and completely stubborn about the damage I did to myself. We’ve been trained to believe that casual sex will others will heal us. If you are having sex with someone who is broken to fix them it’s never going to work out. You are going to feel their pain ten times worse and that pain is not easy to fix at all.

Lastly, when you are suffering in silence don’t date anyone until you heal yourself. When I admitted that I was the problem I didn’t date and still won’t date anyone that is not working on healing themselves. The phrase, “Hurt people hurt people.” This is a fact. I hurt a couple of women but I hurt myself even more. Please don’t be like me. No matter how much you run you will eventually get tired. So when you get tired and understand how tired you are that is when your healing can begin.

#KiaandPamWritingPrompts!

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