It’s that time of year where people say they want to be “cuffed up” (in a fling) but many people are just lonely due to seasonal depression, a bad break up they never recovered from, or just because everyone else is doing it too. If you are new to this blog, I have dabbled in hookup culture. One woman I was hooking up with caught feelings for me which made me feel guilty and ashamed. Even though I let her know I wasn’t looking for anything serious she still referred to me as her babe. So when I left her I could already tell I hurt her. However, years later I decided to clean up my act and keep to myself instead of looking for any flings or temporary pleasure because I didn’t want to hurt anyone or continue to hurt myself. There comes a time in everyone’s life that one must grow up and stop wasting their time on childish acts. Which is exactly what cuffing season is.
Cuffing season has been around since 2011 and is referred to as holding onto someone for the cold winter months. However, when it gets warmer you let that person go. Many people do have a problem with being alone because unfortunately, people still believe that being alone and lonely are the same exact thing. So let me start by differentiating the two.
Alone means that you are with yourself and at peace with yourself. However, when you are lonely you are either lonely in someone’s company or lonely within your own mind because you’ve most likely been conditioned that, “Being alone isn’t a good thing.” Therefore, you believe you need someone to make you happy” through a society that has conditioned you and I through movies, television, and mainstream media to flings for whenever we’re feeling insecure within ourselves. Deep down inside we know this isn’t right but many of us just refuse to learn our lesson and truly don’t believe we are hurting anyone.
When I typed in Cuffing season I scrolled down and found, “Cuffing season rules”. Originally I thought this was satire but unfortunately, I was wrong. According to this site, “refinery29”, Kasandra Brabaw states the three rules of cuffing season.
Furthermore, Danielle Forshee, Psy.D, LCSW, a marriage and family therapist stated, “Since engaging in a cuffing relationship with somebody is [meant] to meet your physical and psychological needs, it can feel and seem quite selfish.” The writer replies by stating, “But there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish, as long as no one gets hurt. And if you follow these simple rules for cuffing season ahead, everyone involved can enjoy a temporary relationship totally unscathed.”
The contradiction already starts because there are many women like Kasandra who believe in this phrase, “If nobody gets hurt then no harm is done. Besides, men do it too.” Without realizing two wrongs do not make a right and people shouldn’t be treated as temporary toys that you play with and put down at your own whim.
Her first rule is “Be as clear as possible about your intentions”. I agree that your intentions should be clear about what you want. However, many people lie about their intentions and I do feel that no one wants to be with a partner for a couple of months just to cut it off when the weather gets warmer. They just want that person around because they’re running only on their feelings. It goes back to the point she made about, “there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish” without realizing, “cuffing” someone for just a little fling is selfish.
She goes on to say, “some might not realize it until the spring hits and suddenly their partner doesn’t seem as exciting.” Well isn’t that something you should work on. I guess I’m just old school because if you are with somebody then that means you work it out or go your separate ways. Women and men who act like this really need a reality check. Most of them talk about wanting to have children and getting married but can’t even tolerate being around their spouse for more than a couple of months. I’m not too sure how that works at all because marriage and children are supposed to be until death do you apart. It’s sad because that clearly isn’t even the case anymore. And it’s all due to toxic cultures like cuffing season.
Her second rule is, “Keep a little distance”. I can’t say I disagree with that statement at all. Everyone needs space from someone. You don’t have to call or text someone everyday but you should both be putting in the effort to see one another 1-2 a month. Speaking from an introverted perspective, I used to want calls and texts all of the time. However, when I embraced my solitude I realized I’ll see you when I see you. I don’t hate you or dislike you but I don’t need to see you everyday. I just check up on you and we can both work something out to meet up. But then she just lost me when she started talking about introducing your significant others to coworkers and emotions.
She stated, “When you’re cuddling up on the couch several times a week, and introducing your cuffing-partner to your co-workers, it can be easy to dive deep into an emotional relationship.” Again, I’m not sure if the author realizes that a relationship is not supposed to be temporary and to fulfill your selfish needs. Two people are supposed to be together and realize what they like/dislike, communicate on any problems going on in the relationship, and both partners need to do their best to make it work. It’s not just, “Hey be with me but don’t get attached” because when you are with someone, the more you have in common with them, and the more vulnerable you are with that person, you will catch feelings. However, our society doesn’t embrace feelings. Hints why she says, “keep a little distance” because she probably has problems getting close to someone because she’s been hurt before.
Which is understandable but she is doing a disservice to men and women by making up rules to basically avoid getting hurt. People do get hurt in this world but distancing your emotions and holding onto someone temporarily just isn’t the solution to the problem. Staying to yourself and loving yourself is. After you’ve accomplished that that’s when you can set boundaries, have mature conversations, and actually make a long-term relationship work.
Next we have our final rule, “keep having check-ins” which slightly contradicts her second rule of keeping distance. If you want to have your distance from someone but have to keep having check ins then why don’t you just decide to be in a long-term relationship so you wouldn’t have to? What the writer goes on to say is even more toxic. She states, “the more time you spend with someone, the easier it is to develop feelings. And try as you might to keep things casual and semi-distant, it can be easy to get attached, especially if they’re great at knocking boots.” It’s all about manipulation. She’s implying, “I want you to be with me and fulfill my sexual needs but I don’t want you as a long-term boyfriend because that’ll make me feel weird..”
This behavior is the reason why both men and women are single because both parties are guilty of this. Neither gender wants to connect with somebody because both partners are afraid of commitment. It’s that same fear which is why I myself am very careful with the women I talk to because one minute she’ll be into me and then the next she’s just not into me. Why? Because of her fear of commitment, her insecurities and an overall, fear of being vulnerable again. You can communicate what you want verbally but if you don’t physically act on it, your word holds no value. I don’t believe that referring to your partner as just a fling even works either because you’ll just feel lonely in the long run. Which translates into positive and empowerment culture. A culture not based on telling the truth but based on making people FEEL better. Look, it doesn’t matter how many people tell you how great you are. If you don’t feel good about yourself it’ll never matter. Hints why men and women have such low self-esteem to begin with and hook up with whomever, whenever.
To wrap this up I’ll say this, If you are going to be with somebody you are with that person long-term, not short term. If you simply can’t handle that, stay single because you do not know how to communicate effectively. Hints why I say pay attention to patterns, actions and words. One minute your potential partner can say, “I really like you and want to be with you” They’ll even hold your hold on a date to the movies, cuddle with you, and even call/text you a couple times a week to check in but if this isn’t consistent, then you are going to feel some type of way about it because you are HUMAN! Which will translate in you becoming a bitter cat/dog lady or man in your forties.
Our culture is toxic. Just Toxic! I never thought as a 26 year old that I would even be saying this but neither gender has a true and genuine idea of love at all. If you feel as if cuffing season is going to benefit your life in the long run, you are the problem. There’s a reason why in the song, “Gotye – Somebody that I used to know” Wouter “Wally” De Backer stated, “I felt so lonely in your company.” It’s because we as people can say all day, “It’s just a fling, it’s just sex.” but I truly believe we want something long-term. Which is why most people are hard to even love.
If you follow this lady’s rules just know you’ll be single and blaming others instead of taking personal accountability until you die. Hopefully, this lady changes her way of thinking in the future but all I can do is hope. As for the rest of you. Please practice loving yourself first before getting into a relationship because you can really hurt someone without even realizing it. All because you wanted pleasure and the other person wanted an actual relationship. But the both of you lied with your mouths about your intentions and didn’t tell the truth with your mind, heart, and soul.
3 Cuffing Season Rules That Everyone Should Follow:
Last week’s blog: Why Good people get so tired quickly..
How to manage seasonal depression: