Introverts, deep thinkers, and intuitives receive a bad reputation as being too quiet, afraid to speak, or vocalize their opinions. As an introvert I don’t believe that this is necessarily true. I just believe that introverts know what to say and what not to say. According to Inc.com “Extroverts may be known for being more comfortable in navigating social situations, but a new study finds that introverts may be better than extroverts at observing and understanding the social behavior of people in group settings, a skill that is useful in knowing how to effectively lead others.”
As I’ve said before on my blog and recent interviews, my father and I didn’t always agree due to his abusive behavior. However, I haven’t told all of you the full story because of time constraints and most importantly, I lacked the verbalization skills to get it out of my mouth. When I was a kid I hated my father and I wished death upon him for what he did to my mother. That same hatred led to me getting into fights with others, arguing with my own mother, and overall, put others down.
My childhood is hard to explain at times because honestly, it doesn’t make much sense. Even though my father and I didn’t see eye to eye all of the time the times we hung out he was caring. I remember one summer when I visited him in Alabama he played basketball with me and the other kids. And then the next minute I’d see him disrespect his own mother.
Us as black people grew up in a “Hush Hush” era. Before I sought out therapy and counseling I kept that era alive. From my own observations here is what I’ve learned. We either installed this “Hush Hush mentality” in our kids intentionally because of fear, ridicule, or judgment. We unintentionally did this because that’s what we’ve witnessed. So instead of vocalizing our displeasures we just kept quiet about it in order to avoid confrontation.
So I’m going to speak my truth because I need to for me. YES, my father tried to kill my mother when I was six but it was for a reason. Therefore, this is what I believe happened after gathering a couple of receipts from my childhood, two summers with my father, overhearing my mother and father argue on the phone, talks with my grandmother, and most importantly talks with my father; I truly believe that he’s gone through a lot of pain and he’s never told anyone about it with anyone. Even though this is a shot in the dark, I wouldn’t be surprised if his father tried to kill his mother too because my grandmother wasn’t very pleasant when talking about him. She’d even tell me that the both of them have a rocky relationship as well. Does this sound like a case of De Ja Vu?
I’m fortunate enough to have the ability to tackle my personal demons, learn coping mechanisms, have a blog, a youtube channel and books to help everyone (not just black people) with their mental and physical aspects. I understood my pain left me a broken man.
So broken I asked myself, “Caleb, do you think you even deserve to heal?”
This healing journey has left me some days lying around in bed, almost missing work, and workout sessions. On the other hand, I’ve received crazy amounts of energy to educate others. I truly believe that the world hides behind so many masks and doesn’t understand how to just be REAL. Which is why it’s hard for me to talk to certain people because I don’t know what VERSION of them I’m talking to. Am I afraid to talk? No, of course not. It’s just I can’t talk to people who live in a bubble and act like everything is okay. When in reality, everything is falling apart. You can be fake around others but you can’t be fake around me because this isn’t a Disney movie, this is real life.
Black trauma is as real as it gets. We as a people need to speak up about the trauma we’ve suffered because it’s out there. Have you ever seen a Tyler Perry film, an episode of Maury, Iyanla Fix my Life, or even Steve Wilkos. All of those shows have in common is unresolved trauma for the world to see. Black love can’t exist if we have hatred for each other. The stigma of not getting therapy or counseling is killing us. Why do you think many of our people are on edge, hit one another, tear each other down physically and glorify the behavior? It’s because we’ve been conditioned to. If we don’t discuss those uncomfortable conversations with each other and keep judging one another than more black families will be destroyed.
I could have blamed my father for everything he’s done but where would that get me. Instead, I chose to be better and love him as my father. However, I’ve realized that’s not enough. In the beginning of 2020 I took a vow to myself to become a better person mentally and physically. Therefore, I no longer listen to vulgar music, engage in promsicouse sex, drink, smoke, experiment with any kind of drugs, judge, fight, or tear anyone down because that’s not love, that’s hatred because God never wanted me to be like that. Even though God and I haven’t talked much I’m still a believer.
Remember to speak your truth. Yes, you will most likely lose a lot of people, create tension, or have a couple of enemies but at least you will know where you stand with people. On the flip side, it may be a breakthrough that brings the family together. You never know but if you don’t discuss it with anyone, a therapist, or a counselor you will continue to hurt others. When we hurt others we hurt ourselves. You’ll never have anyone love you properly if you can’t acknowledge your own pain first. Take the time to heal whatever is broken inside of you before it’s too late!
My website: linktr.ee/charr8