Being quiet intimidates others

Have you ever been told that you intimidate others? Well I have. Ever since I was in middle school I was considered a weirdo because I didn’t talk. Even though that perception of me has changed it never seizes to amaze me how a person can say, “Yeah that Caleb guy is standoffish. He never talks to anybody!” But they either:

  1. Never talked to me
  2. Or the both of us have had conversations that just never clicked 

After thinking about all of the times I’ve heard people mistaken me for something I’m not I decided to take a personality test. According to my results my personality type is the INT which is an analytical problem-solver who is eager to improve systems and processes innovative ideas. After reading over my profile I agreed with everything which is rare for me to do. Especially when the article stated, “Architects question everything. Many personality types trust the status quo, relying on conventional wisdom and other people’s expertise as they go about their lives. But ever-skeptical Architects prefer to make their own discoveries. In their quest to find better ways of doing things, they aren’t afraid to break the rules or risk disapproval – in fact, they rather enjoy it.” 

When I read this all I could think about was my church days. I used to sing in the church choir and honestly, I hated it. I thought it was too feminine, too loud, and most importantly, I just couldn’t sing. So it made me ask myself, “Why am I singing in the choir when I can’t sing? Why should I be afraid to step outside of the box and do something different?” It’s sad how many christian folks will lie to you to boost your self-esteem. Many people would tell me I had a beautiful singing voice. However, I wasn’t buying it. Since my singing career wasn’t going to blossom anytime soon I decided to partake in Christian rap which to my former church’s standards this genre of music might as well have been witchcraft because most of them refused to educate themselves on this genre.

For those of you who are unaware of this genre of music Christian rap/hip hop is a genre of music discussing the glory of God, various topics in the bible, and it’s a different form of praise for the lord. Even though I knew my church would think differently of me I took a chance anyway. 

I remember like it was yesterday. When I was 12 years old I told my choir leader I was quitting because I hated the direction we were going into. Overall, I knew I didn’t have a place in that choir. I wanted to change it up and utilize the gifts that God gave me. Which I can tell low key rubbed her the wrong way. 

Therefore, I started writing in my notebook, looked up songs for inspiration such as T-bone, Kirk Franklin and many more to find my own sound, and started practicing in my basement. Before I knew it I had a couple of shows in front of local churches. It wasn’t anything serious but I was enjoying myself. Most importantly, I felt I had a purpose in the church that wasn’t FORCED on me. 

Unfortunately, my joy didn’t last that long and honestly it’s one of the reasons why I left the church, how I started to view the world, and why I’ve always felt like an outsider. A couple of months into my journey as a christian rapper, my former church choir director started acting funny. How it came across to me is that she wanted to be my manager and make money off of me and God. You have to understand. My intentions were never to make any kind of money but really just to have my own UNIQUE place in a church that feared changed. That was it! However, let me further elaborate. 

She really rubbed me the wrong way when she did two things:

  1. She took it upon herself to give this FAKE testimony of how I was coming out of my shell during one of my performances in front of the church. Again, I just wanted to rap and most importantly I didn’t want her as my spokesperson because I wasn’t a part of the choir anymore so in my mind all I could ask myself was,”Is she trying to get some clout!” I simply just wanted to be a solo act because that’s what I felt God wanted for me. But she couldn’t let that happen because of her own ego. She just couldn’t let the light that God gave me only shine on me. 
  1. When I made a CD she tried to convince me to sell it for a couple of bucks. It rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel like she was a phony because as I said before, she had a massive ego and control issues. Which is why I didn’t want to be in the choir in the first place. I never considered her to be a true woman of God. I always thought she was just another egotistical woman on a power trip. Mind you, I never felt right about making money off of God’s name and most importantly, I knew she was just trying to get a cut of the money that I would have made. Again, because she had wicked intentions.

Overall, it was that experience and many others that led me to believe that she was intimidated and maybe even threatened by my energy. Here I was this quiet nobody who barely said three words and now I was a christian rapper who was resonating with disbelievers and the younger crowd. Even though I still remained humble, she couldn’t stand it! She wanted me to be a part of the choir and because I said, “No! I’m leaving!” her ego just couldn’t take it.

This is why in life I’ve learned that people will be intimidated by you when you start to recognize your full potential. Most people do not want you to talk, they just want you to exist. Trust me, the moment you start to shine and say and do things they do not agree with they will get jealous and assassinate your character to make you feel small again. From here, I can go on a rant about why men don’t go to church. But I won’t. You’ll have to tune in another time for that!

Therefore, do not be surprised if your introverted energy intimidates others. Unfortunately, we live in a world where people are more interested in garbage television instead of learning about themselves and helping others. All because somebody is quiet it does not make them intimidating. For those of you who are more extroverted understand that introverts aren’t going to open up to you right away simply because they don’t know you, the two of you have nothing in common, and most importantly, they don’t feel comfortable around you. 

In this world so many people seem to be obsessed with being friends with everybody. However, that doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t need to be everyone’s friend but that doesn’t make me a dick, I’m just not for everybody. And guess what, that’s okay. Instead of always questioning why doesn’t so and so talk to me? Why don’t you ask yourself, “Maybe they just don’t want to talk to me?” The sooner you learn that introverts protect their energy, you and that person may be cordial at best, and that you don’t have to be friends with everyone the happier you will be.

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