Lately, I’ve been feeling down in the dumps lying around in bed trying to run away from my thoughts. Sure a lot is going on, but the majority of it is just growing pains which has caused me to re-consider being a writer. I’ve been plagued with thoughts such as, “If I roll up one last time I can write better material! All I need is something really good and I’ll be able to write another novel, blog, or a script for YouTube!”
Therefore, for the past week I’ve been seriously debating smoking again to “ease the stress” of my life. I know what you’re thinking, “Why don’t you? All because you’re christian or whatever it doesn’t mean you can’t smoke weed. Besides, the Bible doesn’t say anything about weed being wrong dude!” Well, even though you’d make a compelling argument you’d have to understand my story first!
I remember the first time I ever smoked weed. My buddies and I had been talking about it for weeks. The usual conversation about how we were going to get it, how long the high will last, will my clothes stink, and will I be able to focus. So many thoughts were racing through my brain during those weeks. Some good and some bad but overall, excited !Honestly, life is pretty boring when you’re 17 years old, you don’t have a car, you live in a sleepy suburban town, and you don’t have many friends. You often feel really lonely and misunderstood so you look for something and almost anything to escape the boredom and dissatisfaction life has brought you.
After careful consideration, we all agreed to do it on a Wednesday after school. This was perfect (well not really) because this was my off season for track and field so I wouldn’t have to worry about being drug tested. Anyway, we went to the woods so we wouldn’t get caught by the police. We had this cheap monster can that my buddy made to resemble a pipe. After the first hit I felt amazing. I had never been this happy in my entire life and I didn’t want this experience to end.
After we were done smoking we went to my buddies house, ate junk food, and watched television. I remember having this stupid chessy smile on my face that I couldn’t get rid of. After that I was hooked. Over the years I’ve learned that whenever I get an instant euphoria, I just need more. Which is why I’ve always struggled with addiction in the first place.
Two years have passed and now I’m a 19-year-old college sophomore studying Mass Communications. I was still smoking weed because I needed to keep up with my studies and better myself as a writer. In my mind I convinced myself that this was okay. My demons kept reminding me, “Hey man, Stephen King used to do cocaine. You’re only smoking weed so as long as you don’t do cocaine or heroin you’ll be fine!”
Unfortunately, I still had a mental breakdown that year which I’ve mentioned in my blog post Breakdowns suck! I discussed how I spiraled out of control because I smoked some weed that must have been laced without my knowledge. Unfortunately, that experience still haunts me to this day but it’s a reminder of how far I’ve come. Cornelius Lindesy once said in his book, “Suffering in Silence”, “sometimes we don’t realize what God is doing for us until we hit rock bottom.” Which I definitely agree with.
I tried to pick up smoking weed again when I was 22 years old because I was down and out. I felt as if I failed myself because I wasn’t graduating college therefore, I felt like a loser. Everybody was counting on me, the pressure I felt was nothing like performing in track and field, and I didn’t know or reach out to anyone who had been in this situation because I just didn’t want anyone worrying about me. Since I felt lonely again, I decided to mask my pain by just running away from it. To make a long story short, it didn’t work!
For years I’ve always been trying so hard to get out of writer’s block and numb my own problem through self-medication. Therefore, I’ve drank, smoked, had sex, read countless literature, tired to connect with my “higher self”, smudged my room, and many other vices to numb my pain. But everytime I just felt awful and even worse, my mental health continued to suffer! I still can’t believe I let this crazy world convince me that if I got high like Stephen King or drunk like Edgar Allen Poe, I’d become a better writer. That’s never been the case. It took me a while to realize this but having writer’s block, insecurities, and doubts are just temporary feelings. Eventually it all goes away.
I can now say nothing has made me feel better than just trusting God and doing his will. Some days aren’t easy and other days are harder but I still keep my faith! I don’t need any vice to be a better writer. I just need to pray on it and stop procrastinating.
Therefore, for all of you creative souls who are doing drugs and drinking, quit now! It’s time to seek help and realize that this lifestyle is not for you. You’re trying to mask your pain because you keep comparing yourself to somebody else. You keep running away and doping yourself into thinking you have to be the next Stephen King, J.K Rowling, or Edgar Allen Poe instead of just being you. Every creative has to ask themselves, “Who am I?” If you don’t ask or figure out who you are through countless therapy sessions, AA meetings, and counseling services try picking up the Bible. 2 Timothy 1:7, states, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” God is with you my friend but you have to talk to him. If you do not talk to him like I have these past couple of months you will continue to feel alone. You do not need to run away from what’s going on in your life, you need to face it head on and to stop being afraid of the critics. Someone will always have something to say but if you are true and genuine you will always win many people over. It may not make sense to all of you right away which is fine. However, one day it will! Remember, God works in mysterious ways.
Last weeks blog: https://unpopularopinionsdots.com/2021/03/22/your-anger-will-kill-you/
Emotional addiction: https://marksteinberg.com/webpages/writings/emotional-addiction.jsp