Being born again just feels weird because sometimes I feel as if God is talking to me and other times, I don’t hear anything. Sometimes I question if giving my life to Christ again was a mistake because I just don’t mesh well with others or feel like an actual Christian. I tell myself, “Nah, you trippin’.” But sometimes it does get to me.. It gets to me so much that it reminds me of my old “innocent days” as a young Christian man of God.
Back in the day I’d always attend children’s church, Wed. Bible study sessions, and sung in the choir. I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was Sunday service and our choir just finished up our final song. My Pastor told me, “Caleb, God has a calling on your heart!” The congregation collectively all said, “Amen!” I remember just looking at him like he was crazy which I don’t think he picked up on at all.
This past year I’ve been feeling lost. I debated if I wanted to tell all of you this but as I’ve said before, “The Hush Hush era is dead!” My mom has been battling cancer right now for over a year and everyday it’s a struggle to keep my Faith. Yes it was helpful attending a men’s conference in April of 2021 where I decided to give my life to Christ again. After that moment I told myself, “You do this for real this time. You don’t look back and you become a disciple for Christ!” At first it was easy! Well… Until the Honeymoon phase wore off!
Overall, my walk with God these past couple of months I’ve been attending young adults nights, Bible study sessions, a new member info session and they’ve all been a great and eye opening experience. However, I have to admit that my lack of the Bible has made me feel really inadequate.
As I discussed last week how your walk with God is mental, spiritual, and physical. Well, I wasn’t lying. Being born again has brought even more of my own personal insecurities that have my thoughts sounding something like this:
- Look at all these goody two shoes Christians. Who do they think they are?
Wow Caleb. You’ve been studying the Bible again and you still can’t recite a verse. Maybe your faith in God isn’t as real as you think?
- This is just a waste of time. Whatever, so what, who cares. As long as I just don’t kill or steal from anyone I’ll be straight.
- These people are just fakes, they’re not really Christian. Besides they don’t love me anyway. They’re just pretending!
I’ve learned that when we aren’t used to having a big support system and an actual family that cares about us, we’ll become skeptical. Right now I only have 5 close friends and honestly, our relationship with one another is very introverted. We don’t hate one another, it’s just all of us prefer to do our own thing. But since I’m with fellow believers I’m realizing the importance of how, “Iron sharpens Iron” in the book of Proverbs.
To me this means you have to stick together. You have to reach out because when you are a believer the world can make you feel so alone. I know I’m not alone but the devil will always try to make me feel like I am. However, I have the devil’s kryptonite. Which is the good Word. Believing in God’s Word is what keeps me sane, hanging out and reaching out to others will diminish my lonely thoughts, and reading, praying, and fasting will connect me to God and make me feel whole.
I’ve debated even writing this blog tonight (5-16-2021) because mentally, I’m burned out. However, it goes back to what my Pastor told me when I was younger, “Caleb, God has a calling on your heart!” I truly do know what he’s talking about because it’s true.
In the book of Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version) it states,”Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,and he will make your paths straight.”
For years I’ve spent my life in darkness leaning on my own understanding and misconstruing God’s word to perfectly fit my lifestyle. Only to now realize, I’ve just been disappointing Him. Therefore, I set aside my ego and I repented. Now, I tell God everyday, “God give me strength to live up to your will. Amen”.
I’m still a firm believer in taking a day off. But I do believe your day off should include preparing to conquer the next day for an hour or so which personally, has helped immensely. It’s diminished many mental blockages in my mind which keeps me physically, mentally, and spiritually sane in this world we live in. For those of you who are new believers you aren’t alone. This walk is very overwhelming and will take time to unlearn a couple of toxic patterns. My advice is be open and let God use you, not the church. Churches are often excited and want to pull you into many directions, not because they want to burn you out but because they’re unaware of your walk with the Lord right now and don’t want you to lead astray. But you will not feel lost, abandoned or alone in any way shape or form if you continue to read the Bible, pray, fast, talk to other believers, and be open. Don’t shut down or close out like you used to but instead challenge yourself to talk to God as much as you can.
I’d like to leave with one final verse from the good Word. Romans 8:26 (ESV) states, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”