Where do I go from here?

Mom’s dead now and I’m not too sure where I go from here. I think I’m doing well handling all of the life insurance paperwork, phone, bills, cleaning, and etc. While I was packing up the remaining things in the backyard it hit me that life really does suck right now.. 

What makes things worse is many people have been contacting me only to make the situation “Better” Honestly, if someone calls/texts me saying, “Is there anything I can do?” I am gonna get sick, AGAIN!

Lately, I’ve been trying to find the strength to return phone calls. Even responding back to people saying, “Hey don’t wanna talk.” seems like an impossible effort. The weight of the world is overwhelming, the newfound Jesus Jokers come out of nowhere, and the family that never spoke to you NOW wants a relationship with you. Such is life I suppose. 

Overall, I feel as if I’ve fallen behind in all of my other obligations (gym, church, etc) which makes me feel like I’m losing in life. I keep telling myself it’s not my fault but somehow I feel it is. The same drive and compassion I once had simply aren’t there right now. Instead, it’s currently being replaced with hopelessness and a burning desire to not hear anybody or anything which is a hard pill to swallow. 

The wrong people reach out

The wrong people are saying nothing of substance or value

The wrong people don’t know how to listen

The wrong people feel they know exactly what you’re going through

Unfortunately, the easiest part was Mom dying. The hardest part will be bills, people, fake sympathy, etc. Mom, look over me as I follow God’s will. I’m striving for His righteous glory but I no longer have the tolerance or patience to even listen some days. I don’t believe anything will change anytime soon because I’ve given up on humanity. I don’t even want to inspire anybody anymore. My mood right is if people want to gain more weight, neglect their mental health, and continue in their self-destructive behavior, etc. Why should I even bother? It doesn’t seem like there is a point…

I can only take life one day at a time but I’m not going to pretend anymore. People always ask, “Is everything alright?” Obviously not when someone dies! You just deal with life one day at a time and hope you did okay! You just hope no one says or does anything stupid so you don’t get into a fight! You just make sure you shower and make sure everything else is kept up so people think you have it together! You just make sure you pray a little harder around the holidays because you know everyone is going to say the following:

• Glad you could make it!

• You know, your mother used to make great potatoes, ham, and stuffing

• Your mother would keep the house so clean

• Your mother was such a nice woman

Obviously, this is the way people “Lighten up the mood”. I’ve never been too fond of this. The last thing I’d like to be reminded of is my mother being dead because I’m well aware she’s never coming back to earth. I know all the good things she’s done because I was her son for 27 years, NO ONE NEEDS TO REMIND ME OF THIS!!!

Yeah man from here I’m too sure where I go… All I know is it will not be easy and hopefully, people will give me grace as I enter a motherless phase in my life. Please though, God I pray that no one else tries to play my mother. I have one and only one mother! When people die just let them come to you. Don’t overcrowd them, just let nature take its course. You don’t know what they’re going through so please stop saying you do. You are making the situation worse. This person just isn’t telling you because they are mourning or don’t trust you. Just SHUT UP and PLEASE listen because right now, IT’S JUST NOT ABOUT YOU!

1 Comment

  1. I’m so sorry about your loss and also about what you’re having to deal with. The fact that these aftermath feelings aren’t talked about doesn’t make them any less valid. A lot of people struggle with what is the right thing to say or do for a mourner (and the truth is, words are a limited comfort in these circumstances), and sometimes, people are just rude and insensitive too. I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of your grief. I hope that you have outlets for your feelings (one should never have to pretend to be ok on one’s blog) and that over time, you’ll be comforted. Thinking of you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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