Today is January 3rd, 2021 which means I’ve accomplished three years of sobriety, but I have mixed emotions of happiness and indifference. Last year I shared the same emotions but this year I’ve realized why. I truly do believe that since I used to be alcoholic I became numb to my feelings. Therefore, it took this long to embrace who I actually am.
Growing up I’ve seen my dad try to kill my mom and his girlfriend. This was incredibly traumatizing to me but my family wasn’t too huge on therapy so I silenced my feelings..
Majority of my life I’ve felt alone and often scared. I never had many friends and my family, well, over the years I’ve realized most of them ain’t rockin’ with me like that.
I started drinking when I was in high school. It all started as a way to be more social and to relieve the pressure of being a scholar and a track and field athlete. However, when I got to college, drinking became everything to me. I’d binge drink by myself, whenever a woman rejected me, a bad test score, running low on money, and when I felt my friends/family didn’t love me anymore.
I turned this hurt into an uncomfortable silence. I became numb to everything as I bottled up my emotions and lost faith in people, and at one point God.
Drinking took away that pain of feeling isolated and carefree. But those lonely nights and rejection from women caught up with me at times. It’s funny because running away is a lot easier than facing your issues. But when there’s nowhere to run you start freaking out and eventually, you’ll even breakdown.
Sobriety has taught me that it’s okay to care, to tell people what’s going on, and everyone will not like you, but that’s okay.
By the grace of God I was able to look more deeply into myself and realize how wonderful I am. Now, I don’t have a desire to pick up a bottle. I’m disgusted by alcohol and don’t wish to drink ever again. I find myself finally saying, “I’m happy to be me today!” because when I was an alcoholic I’d often say, “I hate being me! Why did God even create me?”
Friend, I hope you find the strength and courage to ask for help. To confront your inner demons and not run from them. Being sober is challenging. I have both good and bad days but now I’m able to distinguish between the two. Nowadays I tell myself I don’t have a bad life I just had a day. I’m thankful for the many lessons I’ve learned and I’m grateful that God has given me the opportunity to share my story with all of you. Blessings to you all ❤
FB: Caleb Harris