Why I’m still single

As of January 1st, 2022 it’s finally dawned on me that I’ve never had a girlfriend or never even came close to getting married. I’ve “enjoyed” hooking up, drinking, and smoking with women but it never fulfilled my flesh at all. Overall, I just wouldn’t even talk to God and lean unto my own understanding which resulted in me falling over and over again.

Even though I grew up with Christian values from my mother, father, and Uncle I just didn’t see the point of having a relationship with God. Other people in my family never seemed to be convicted for having sex before marriage so I saw no shame in losing my virginity I was 24 years old. 

At this age, I began to realize a shift in my way of thinking. Marriage became obsolete and relationships seemed way too old school for my liking. Therefore, I told myself that, “Okay Caleb, as long as the sex keeps coming in just play it cool” Obviously this plan blew up in my face.

Her feelings began to change as she informed me that wanted to be friends. Not friends with benefits, just friends. This really destroyed my ego because I hated rejection back then. From that point on (24-26) I began to hang out in nightclubs, “friends” basement parties, bars, and strip clubs in hopes of getting lucky again because I thought this was manhood. This worldly ideology consists of hooking up with a bunch of women and then when you “meet the one”, you’ll get married. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

I wanted to change but my ego wouldn’t allow me to. One night in particular I finally met up with a lady I met online. She wasn’t particularly attractive but since I needed a woman’s touch I caved and gave in. After we were done I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. I stared at the wall with a blank stare on my face wondering, “Why do I keep doing this to myself?” 

She asked me, “What are you thinking about?”

I told her, “Nothing…”

After the pillow talk was done I got in my car and dipped. I didn’t call/text her after that night. I knew it would hurt her feelings but I didn’t care. In my mind, the sex was trash so I don’t need her anymore anyway. 

My single season has lasted very long because I’ve always wanted temporary pleasure instead of an actual relationship. To me, relationships seem like movie fairy tales. However, in reality, they’re just constant arguments, disappointment, and unfulfilled sex.

When my mom and dad got divorced I vowed for years to never get married. Which oddly enough reminds me of one of my favorite films, Purple Rain. In the film Purple Rain, Prince’s dad Francis L asked him, “You got a girlfriend?”

Prince replies, “Yeah, I got a girlfriend!”

Francis L. asks him, “You plan on getting married?”

Prince told him, “I don’t know..”

Francis L. tells him, “Never get married!”

All this scene did for me was bring back daunting flashbacks of my mother and father fighting all the time. Dad stayed out all night working and Mom would spend the morning and the daytime just trying to put food on the table. In return, I felt adopted. I felt like my Aunt Ossie was my real mother and my parents just adopted me. She was always around and my parents just seemed too busy for me. 

I’ve learned that when a young man doesn’t have his family in the picture he feels alone. The Bible says it’s not good for a man to be alone. The younger me never understood that. Now the older me understands this very clearly. Loneliness makes you make dumb and irrational decisions. You want to fulfill this void in your heart so you’ll fill it with just about anything. Unfortunately, it’s never enough because without the Lord your cup is always empty.

When I turned 26 I remember meeting a Dominican lady online. She and I were getting along great but the both of us became busy with life and work. She was very clear that she wanted to be in a relationship before hooking up with any guy. However, I didn’t want to hear any of that so I ghosted her. Eventually, when I tried to come back into the picture she had found someone else. At the time all I could do was quote Junot Diaz and say, “This is how you lose her?”

I’ve had to learn that two people are in a relationship, not one. I can’t even get mad at her because I had no intention of commitment. I wanted to have “fun” because this is what the world teaches us, young men. Films such as Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Virginity Hit, and American Pie subliminally program us to believe you can’t have fun in life if you aren’t having sex with multiple women. 

So many people believe that being sober is easy but it’s not. Once you walk away from one toxic addiction you most likely have to walk away from another. I wish that I could tell that I’m in a relationship now and that I’m getting married like everyone else, however, that’s not the case. 

On the brighter side I look at women differently though. I don’t see them as sexual objects to conquer or harbor hatred towards them when I’ve been rejected. If you constantly struggle with sex addiction I’m hear to tell you it comes from wanting to be loved without first, loving your self. Most likely, something traumatic has happened to you that you haven’t addressed yet. You’ve been coping with sex because it makes you feel better. However, when the high comes down and lonely nights get even lonelier I know how it feels to believe, “I’ll never find the one”. The world wants us to move fast, think fast, act fast, and never slow down. On the other hand, Christ wants us to slow down and pray it over. 

I don’t have all of the answers but the more I read God’s word I feel convicted when the word says, Whoever loves pleasure will become poor (Proverbs 21:17). I didn’t just lose a lot of money at the clubs and bars but I feel as if I’ve lost my soul… Just yesterday I kicked myself in the butt because of so many missed opportunities I could have accomplished. Simply because I put my PLEASURE over my PURPOSE. It wasn’t easy to admit but that’s the truth. 

My final advice during this single season is to be real with yourself. If you can’t see yourself with one woman it’s most likely because you see yourself with multiple women. You’ve been warped into too much internet philosophy and now you believe that life is all about riches, rags, and hoes right? Well if this is true then how come so many men have ended up in jail, divorced, depressed, anxious, felt lonely, and can’t keep anything in their life stable? 

Overall, many of these men aren’t living their best lives. It seems to me that we’ve been programmed to idolize having multiple women because the tell-lie-vision has told us that this is how men must behave. I’m here to tell you that this is not the way. Even as a single man I truly believe that a man must be committed to one woman. If he cannot do that he must seek out wise counsel on how to do so or he will live in neverending misery. Really ask yourself these questions:

Are you attracting the wrong women?

Have you ever been in a successful relationship before?

Have you ever seen a successful marriage or relationship in your immediate family?

Do you even know what you want in life or in a woman?

These are questions I want you all to ponder on because I’ve pondered them myself. We as men think we know everything which in reality, has caused us much trouble. We need to return to God’s order which means we put Him first and everything else second in our decisions. As you can see from my story the world left me feeling broken. However, Christ put me back together. He can put you back together too but before you ask Him, just know that Christ wants you to surrender unto Him. Without your repentance, your single season will be lasting a very long time.

Follow me:

FB: Caleb Harris

IG: calebhatescake

TIkTok: brothercaleb

Snapchat: calebneverlies

Email: caleb21294@aol.com

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